I Don't Want to Love You, But I Can't hate You
by The Ryanne
Summary: Mello doesn't know if he really likes Matt, or if it's just teenaged hormones. Rated teen for slight language  not too much .


I Don't Want to Love You, But I Can't Hate You

_Author's Note: In my opinion, this story sucks. So leave a review telling me why it sucks and I'l fix it. Please? ^.^_

_Okay, The story started out with a cute idea, then tumbled into this, and by the end I was just typing things that didn't really fit. Whatever. So does this story have a plot? It does, I just can't tell what it is..._

_Important: I don't own Death Note, or any of these characters. I do own the pick-up line "I don't like that you're being a loner, so you'll have to put up with me," though. But feel free to use it ^.^ I used it twice on the person I like, then the person actually had a good conversation with me both times, so I guess it kinda works ^.^_

_ Also (last thing, I promise), I wrote this while listening to "Wicked Game," so you can listen to that while reading this, if ya want. I was listening to the one by Chris Isaak as well as the one by Three Days Grace (both are really good)._

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><p><em>Mello held Matt's check in his hand. He slowly pulled the red-head's orange-tinted goggles off, finding that he was staring at him through his eyelashes. The gamer quickly pressed his lips to the blonds', pulling back immediately, and apologizing. Mello simply crushed his lips back into place, harder this time, and sighed into the kiss. He had waited so long for this, so long….<em>

Mello's eyes shot open and he gasped. "No, no," he repeated, feeling sick. "No no no NO!"

Mello left his room on his way down to the cafeteria for breakfast. As he was closing his door, he felt something hit his back. He turned around and saw that it was Matt who had run into him.

"Oh, uh, sorry. I didn't mean to, I mean, sorry," Matt stuttered. "You're, uh, Mello, right? The smart kid?"

"Uh, yeah," Mello responded, excited that Matt knew his name. "Smarter than that Near, and one day I'll prove it."

"I believe you will." This made Mello blush, but he forced himself to think that it was only because he was complimented. It wasn't like he like-liked Matt. He barely even knew the kid.

"Oh, thanks. You're, um, uh, M-Matt, right?" Mello pretended like he had temporarily forgotten the other boy's name, even though he didn't think he could ever forget the way he always looked lost, or the exact shade of orange of his goggles, or the way he'll smile, if you're lucky; let alone something as simple as his name.

"Yeah, Matt. Ha, it's not too creative, but I guess it works. Well, I'll see you around…." As he walked off, Mello couldn't help but notice the way he stared at the ground instead of straight ahead. _Low confidence? But he's so gorgeous, how could he have low confidence? _Mello shook his head, _no, not gorgeous! I don't like him, damnit!I just mean that he seems nice, so I don't get why he would act that way. He also seems extremely shy, which I don't get either. I'm sure he has a great personality. I wouldn't mind being his friend, but it's not like I want to be his boyfriend. Just a friend. Because I don't have enough of them here, and it would prove to Near that people like me more. That's all._

Mello walked into the cafeteria, and saw Matt sitting at a table by himself.

"Hey, kid," he said, sitting next to him after getting his food.

"Oh, uh, hi Mello," Matt responded, turning his game off. Mello noted this, being that Matt didn't even turn his game off when the teacher was talking to him (Mello had seen him playing under the table while watching the teacher. Mello didn't know how he did it, but he did).

"I decided that I didn't like that you were being a loner. So you'll have to sit with me."

"Well, actually, I was here first, so _you're_ sitting with _me_."

"Well then, I don't like that you're being a loner so you'll have to put up with me. Good enough?''

"Yes, much better," Matt said, grinning. Mello was sure that if he blushed any harder, then his face would fall off.

"So, how long have you been in the orphanage?"

"About two years. I've been here since I was eleven."

"Oh, cool. I've been here about seven, since I was eight. My father abused my mother, and ended up killing her. He went to jail, and I had no other family to take me in, so I wound-up in an orphanage that realized I had potential and sent me here."

"Oh. So your dad's still alive?"

"Yeah, but I'm never seeing that bastard again."

"Yeah, I hated my dad, too."

"What happened?"

"It's hard to explain."

"Oh." It was then that Rodger walked in to make his rounds.

"I think Rodger's gay," Matt stated simply. "What do you think?"

Mello just gave him his coldest glare possible.

"Oh, no, I didn't mean it like that! I meant because there's a lot of pictures of a guy in his office, and he always looks so sad when he sees them. It makes me think that he has a lost love. But, no, I didn't mean in a bad way. I would never say something like that. I mean, I'd be offended by it, because I'm bi."

Mello's eyes widened. "Oh," was all he could manage. "That's cool." He mentally slapped himself for not saying something better.

"Mhm," Matt said. Mello was going to say something else, but, before he could, the bell rang signaling to go to their first period classes.

_Matt just kept talking. Mello couldn't help but think of how cute he looked: the way his mouth moved, the way he made hand gestures. The blonde giggled slightly, causing the red-head to give him a questioning glance. They were sitting on a park bench, and Matt had resumed talking. Mello was so sick at pretending like he didn't have those feelings, tired of ignoring them. He reached over, and placed his hand on the gamer's. He waited for Matt to pull his hand away, but he didn't. Instead, he held the older boy's hand even tighter. _

Mello woke up smiling, and realized that he liked that dream even more than the one where he ended up kissing Matt. Not that he _enjoyed_ either, because he wasn't gay. It was just hormones. He would get over this phase.

Mello spotted Matt by himself again in the cafeteria, and decided to sit with him again.

"Still haven't gotten it, have you? If you're by yourself then you're going to be forced to talk to me."

"I don't mind."

"Then you're crazy," Mello said as he patted Matt's head. Even that little bit of contact made him feel happy.

"I thought you would have realized that I'm insane by now. I do make it pretty obvious."

"No, I don't think you're insane. Just crazy."

"Then you don't know me very well."

"Whatever you say."

"Hey, about yesterday, I told you I was bi, but you never told me what you are."

"I told you about my dad, and you never told me about yours, so we're even."

"Well, I would have told you, but it's too hard to explain."

"Okay then. But we're still even."

"Fine."

The bell rang again, at a terrible time. As usual.

Mello followed Matt toward his first class, chatting the whole time. When they got to the door, Mello grabbed Matt's sleeve. Matt turned around.

"Will I be seeing you at lunch?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Nope," Mello said with a grin, then walked back in the opposite direction to his class.

During all his classes, Mello couldn't get the red-head out of his mind.

_He said he's bi! _

_So? It doesn't mean he would like you._

_But it's more possible than if he was straight, which I had assumed._

_It doesn't matter if he does like you, because __**you're not gay**__!_

_Okay, maybe not __gay__, but possibly bi. Actually, I think I'm more pansexual, because I like people, not genders. I mean, I'm not sexually active, so why would I care what 'parts' they have?_

…_.no, you're not bi, or pan. You're straight. You don't like boys __**at all**__!_

_Not true._

_Yes it is, and you know it._

_Well, you should know that I'm into guys._

_How would __I__ know?_

_Because you're just the pessimistic part of my brain. I let you take over most of the time, but you know nothing about love._

"_Love?" Love! I know that your form of "love" goes against our religion! That's enough for me._

_Why do you believe in not accepting people? If you keep thinking like this, then you'll never be happy. There will be something wrong with every person you ever find._

Mello mentally slapped himself for having an argument in his own brain. Then he realized that if he kept mentally slapping himself at the pace that he is, then he'll have a really bad headache by next week.

After getting his lunch, Mello couldn't find Matt. He wasn't in his usual spot, that was for sure. He sat down, and started eating by himself. That was when Matt sat down next to him, and said "hey."

"Hey. I'm surprised you actually found me, being that I'm always the one having to find _you_."

"Ha-ha, well, there's a first for everything."

They chattered on for a while. They didn't talk about anything important, but Mello wouldn't have traded those moments for the world. The bell rang, once again, and Mello started really hating it. There was a good side to this, of course, because this time Matt walked to _his_ class with him.

"See you later, bro," he said, and was gone.

Mello was walking down the hall when he saw Rodger, who told him they needed to talk. Near was there, too. Mello wondered if this had to do with L's indecision on who should be his successor. Maybe he finally chose, and they would get to know which one it would be? He would laugh if Rodger told them that L had chosen Matt. The boy was in third, after all.

But what Rodger was saying didn't make Mello laugh.

_L's dead? No! No, not after all this, no! Not now, not now! NO!_

After getting kicked out of Rodger's office for yelling, Mello slowly walked down the hall toward his room. He passed Matt's door, and thought about going in and crying in Matt's arms, but decided against it.

He opened the door to his own room, locked it behind him, and fell face-first onto his bed. After just a few minutes of heavy breathing, he began to feel the tears slip from his closed eyes.

"NO!" he screamed. "NO! Not now, not when I can't even control my own thoughts, not when I don't know what to do! Not after I finally accepted you as a father-figure, a role-model! Even if I only met you once! It doesn't matter! You were the only person who ever gave me a chance, the only person who always knew what they were doing! No!" Mello curled up into a ball screaming, no caring if the people in the rooms next to him heard him talking to himself; it wasn't like he was going to be here for much longer.

Mello grabbed the dirty, ragged bag he had gotten from his first orphanage to carry his stuff to Wammy's in. Now his stuff would be carried out of Wammy's in it.

He knew that he was being irrational, because he had lived here for most of his life, and he honestly had never had any other home. Even the house he lived in for the first eight years of his life was never a home to him, because the only things there were violence and fear.

After packing, he marched down the hall with his head held high. He saw Near, and gave him a small nod before continuing. Then, he stopped, turned around, and said "I _am_ better than you, Near, because I'm a human, unlike you. And, one day, I'll prove it. And I'll make L proud," and, with that said, he left into the cold winter snow.

Mello looked back at his old home, fighting tears.

_Could have at least said bye to Matt….Hell, I could have at least told him that I love him. It doesn't matter anyways, he'll never love me. One day, I might get back in contact with him, if I want a hacker. Hell, who am I kidding, one day I'll get back in contact with him if I want a friend. Or maybe more than a friend._

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><p>Author's Note (#2): If you review then I'll love you forever, and I'll call you every five minutes to make sure you're not dead, and I'll follow you everywhere you go, and I'll do everything you tell me to, and I'll cry when I see you with another human. Unless you're not into that kind of stuff, which, in that case, I'll just love you from afar ^.^ *creepiness*


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